Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Ultimate Popular Blog Post

Okay, so a blog dedicated to writing mostly about the magazine industry isn't going to get me millions of readers each day. Some days my traffic is fine, but far too many days it's very low. So, in the interests of getting people to come to my blog based on their keyword searches, I've decided to write the Ultimate Popular Blog Post.

It can be difficult to find time to write exciting blog posts, because, as my celebrity friend Paris Hilton would certainly tell you if she was indeed my friend and I don't care that she's not because now I can put "Paris Hilton" as one of my keywords, there are many distractions on the web. You know, all that sex (keyword!) and violence (and so on!) can be very difficult to ignore.

I am, of course, trying to learn from President Barack Obama, who, like Nelson Mandela, is a serious man and a popular keyword devoted to constitutional law. I sometimes think that our president, if he were here with me, would say, "John, do you think the White Sox will win the AL Central this year?" Yes, strange words from the most powerful man in the world, but I decide he might be worth an answer. I mean, he's no Anna Kournikova or Pamela Anderson (did you see her in the Borat movie? Was she a great keyword or what?!?), but he is from one of my favorite cities, Chicago (you know, Rod Blagojevich's old stomping grounds), where there is much sex and other keywords taking place EVERY DAY.

Sarah Palin would not like my mention of sex, of course. She recently resigned from her office as governor of some third world land, but she still wants to have an impact on hot national issues such as abortion, gay marriage, Sen. Larry Craig. Okay, Craig's made up (such a man could not really exist, could he? Wonder what he'd think if he was on the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing the nomination pleas of Sonia Sotomayor....) She's no American Idol, but plenty of Christian home schoolers think she's the cat's pajamas, so she'll be a major player for years. Like Bill Clinton.

That was kind of nude -- I mean rude of me, wasn't it? Politicians, after all, get a bum rap, because they have to be somewhat boring so we trust them with running the world. They can't party it up like Hugh Hefner or any number of young playmates he must party with. (We'll assume there are no drugs at the parties, which gives me at least one more keyword.)

In the end, listening to famous people give me advice on my blog is probably silly. George Clooney knows Darfur, not bloggin'. I'm sure Matt Damon feels the same way. (Did you ever wonder if Clooney and Damon are pals in real life, just like the movies where they chum around with Julia Roberts and other huge Hollywood stars?)

Okay, I'm outta ideas. I'll stick to magazines in the future. Didja all know that BusinessWeek is for sale? Oh, you did? Hell.
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